Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Will I still love Him

In the movie Fireproof, there is a couple who haven't been able to get pregnant. In one scene, the husband asks the wife "If God chooses to not give us any children, will you still love Him?". She doesn't answer him right then. But at the end of the movie, when she gets a report from the Dr. that she isn't pregnant yet again (even though she was, it was a mistake), she stops in the parking lot, crying and says "yes, Lord I will still love you". To me, that was the most powerful part of the movie. To have faith to know that God knows better in all the circumstances we will face.
Well, how quickly things can change.... I have had a very hard couple of days. Mom has a social worker that has been trying to find a place for mom to live that she can afford. Mom is VERY hard headed and is determined she has to have a 1 bedroom apt and live independently. Well, she can't afford just any apt. on her social security. And, to be honest, she is not well enough to live alone. Her social worker has found a couple of assisted living places, but mom has STRONGLY turned them down. Her social worker is very concerned that time is running out and mom will be out in the street when I leave. So her social worker has said if it comes to that, she will have to take drastic measures to place mom. Forcibly. This would be a devasting thing.

Then, I have found that the man who Andy said would let him move in hasn't made a decision yet. It's been 3 weeks since Andy asked him, so I don't know what the problem is.

AND the house we put a contract on in Tx has a major problem: septic system has to be completely replaced. It's $6100. The sellers are willing to put $2100 towards it. Fred feels this isn't good enough (me too). So unless they change their mind and give more, we are walking away from the house.

Yeah, all of this hit me in a day and half. Needless to say, I have had a 'crisis of faith'. And, of course, after boasting on how I have had a peace about all that was happening, I've had people bring it up: where is your faith?

So I have been evaluating the situation and myself. First of all, I am human. I will fall. I have to accept that, and not beat myself up for 'not having enough faith'. Secondly, I DO have to be reminded. God is in control. I have to trust Him not only when He pouring out blessings but also when He is working through tough circumstances. My sweet daughter told me if we don't get the house it's because He has a better one for us. I know that is true, but it was good to hear it from her.

I have to remember that I cannot control the consequences people I love have to face due to their own actions. That is a hard one.

But I can pray. Fred asked me yesterday afternoon when I was freaking out on the phone, 'have you prayed?". I had to admit, in the midst of the whole mess, I hadn't. Again, needed to be reminded. So I am praying. Praying God continues to work things out (because I know He has been all along). Praying He will hold me up when I want to crawl under the covers.

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strenthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you in my rightous right hand.

Another thing, please keep the Caddells in your prayers as well. The buyers for their house had to back down. Their house is back on the market. That was a devasting blow to them. But they too have faith that God is in control.

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